Do not expect smooth stones or warm oils. The standard Orc massage kit includes:
Just as humans have Swedish or Shiatsu, Orcs have variations based on tribe.
This is where the magic happens. The masseur will use their elbow (the “War Pick”) to grind along the paravertebral muscles. orc massage guide
Human massage operates on “kneading.” Elven massage operates on “energy flow.” Dwarven massage is just someone jumping on your back from a barstool.
Orc massage operates on cathartic release. Do not expect smooth stones or warm oils
The theory is simple: Your muscles hurt because you are weak. But also, you have “spirit-knots”—tangles of old battle-fury, unpaid gambling debts, and the shame of missing a taunt. The therapist’s job is to punch these knots until they apologize.
Lay face down. The masseur lowers their head and uses the flat sides of their lower tusks to apply pressure to the temporomandibular joint (jaw). It is the most terrifyingly effective cure for teeth grinding you will ever experience. Mog the Breaker: “Lie on stone
Mog the Breaker: “Lie on stone. Face down. Good. I locate knots with elbow.”
You: “That’s my kidney.”
Mog: “Kidney hold stress? We fix.”
[LOUD CRACK]
Mog: “Better. You last 3 more minutes? No? Weak. But I finish anyway.”
If you are attempting to perform an Orc massage on your adventuring party (or yourself, using a doorframe), follow these steps precisely.
Forget eucalyptus or chamomile. The signature scent of an Orc spa is victory smoke, charred boar, and leather oil. We light a single torch in the corner of the tent. That is your aromatherapy. Breathe deeply. That is the smell of not dying today.