As the due date approaches, desire turns toward the abstract.
So, to anyone reading this who feels it: that strange, heavy, shapeless wanting. That desire that isn't quite a crisis but isn't quite peace. That grey pregnancy of the soul.
You are not broken. You are not indecisive. You are not lazy.
You are pregnant with grey desire.
The only thing required of you right now is to stay. Stay in the room with the weight. Don't run from it. Don't force it. Just breathe into the grey. Let the pressure build. Let the clouds gather. pregnant grey desire
Your lightning is coming. But first, you have to learn to love the dark, heavy, beautiful silence of the storm that hasn't broken yet.
And so do I.
Our culture hates the grey. We want to induce labor immediately or terminate the pregnancy altogether. We want to call the desire "good" or "bad." "Practical" or "Foolish."
When I feel this heavy, shapeless wanting, my first instinct is to kill it with logic. “You can’t afford that change.” “What will people think?” “You’re too old for that dream.” “You’re not qualified.” As the due date approaches, desire turns toward the abstract
Or, conversely, I want to force a premature birth. I want to rush out and buy the thing, quit the job, send the text, cut the hair, move the city. I want to make the desire tangible now so the discomfort of carrying it will finally stop.
But rushing a pregnancy is dangerous. And aborting a desire is soul-crushing.
From a psychological perspective, why do we sometimes prefer "pregnant grey desire" to fulfillment?
Dr. Adam Phillips, the psychoanalyst, famously discussed the concept of the "unlived life" being more seductive than the lived one. Once a desire is consummated, it dies. It becomes a memory. It loses its potential. So, to anyone reading this who feels it:
Pregnant grey desire is addictive because it is failure-proof.
This grey zone becomes a safe harbor for the ego. It allows us to feel the sensation of wanting without the risk of losing. However, the danger is that we become trapped there—pregnant forever, but never giving birth.
Pregnancy changes bodily sensation. Show desire as: