Xtardew Valley Guide (2024)
Focus: Massive profits and Artisan Goods.
Play this mod if:
Avoid this mod if:
Xtardew Valley is a bizarre, hilarious, and surprisingly well-coded transformation of a cozy classic. It is not for everyone — in fact, it’s for a very specific subset of people who want to mine iridium while wearing a latex cat mask. But for those players, this guide provides the roadmap.
Remember: You can always start a new save. The farm forgives. The townspeople do not.
Final Tip: Before quitting, try giving the trash bear a “Lustful Oil” after completing his quests. You’ll regret it. But you’ll also laugh.
Disclaimer: This guide is a work of parody. No actual game called “Xtardew Valley” exists. ConcernedApe is a treasure; please support the official Stardew Valley. This paper is for adult audiences only — keep it away from your Junimos.
Getting Started
Early Game Tips
Farming
Fishing
Mining and Foraging
Socializing
Crafting and Cooking
Seasonal Events and Festivals
Tips and Tricks
Advanced Techniques
Modding
Trophies and Achievements
Conclusion
This guide provides a comprehensive overview of Stardew Valley, covering the basics, early game tips, farming, fishing, mining, socializing, crafting, and more. Whether you're new to the game or a seasoned player, this guide has something for everyone.
It started, as these things often do, with a 2 a.m. wiki deep dive. Not for a dissertation or a work project, but for Stardew Valley. Leo, a chronically overworked data analyst, had finally snapped. He’d just spent three in-game years planting blueberries in a sad, haphazard grid, never once talking to the purple-haired girl at the saloon, and letting his grandfather’s farm fall to ruin.
“I’m doing it wrong,” he whispered to the glow of his monitor. “There has to be a correct way.”
That’s when he found it. Buried on page fourteen of a Reddit thread, under a collapsed “controversial” tab, was a single link: xtardew-valley-guide.onion.
The thumbnail was a grainy, low-res picture of Pierre. But Pierre was… smiling. Genuinely. And holding a golden pumpkin that seemed to pulse with a soft, illicit light.
Leo knew he should close the tab. His corporate VPN would flag this. His mother would be disappointed. But the word “guide” was like a key turning in a lock he didn’t know he had.
He clicked.
The site was a masterpiece of bad 2005 web design: neon green text on a black background, Comic Sans headers, and animated GIFs of Junimos doing things Junimos were never meant to do. But the content… the content was something else.
Rule #1: Ignore the Community Center.
“Vanilla,” the guide sneered. “You want to restore a moldy pantry for a bunch of furry apples? No. Go to JojaMart. Buy the membership on Day 1. Morris is the only honest man in the valley. He doesn’t pretend to be your friend.”
Leo hesitated. He’d always hated Morris. But the guide had a point. The Junimos were needy. Morris just wanted cash. Simple. Clean. Efficient.
Rule #7: Befriend Clint First.
“Everyone ignores the blacksmith. Mistake. Give him quartz every single day. At three hearts, he teaches you ‘Metallurgy’—a hidden skill that lets you smelt two iridium bars from one ore. At five hearts, he shows you the secret entrance to the Skull Cavern behind his anvil. You don't need stairs. You need a friend who knows where the bodies are buried.”
Leo felt a chill. He’d never thought of Clint as anything but a sad, hammer-swinging stereotype. But hidden skills?
Rule #12: The Mermaid Show is a Lie.
“The Old Mariner doesn’t sell you a pendant. He tests you. On the night of the Luau, don’t watch the governor choke down your soup. Go to the tide pools east of the beach. If you’ve gifted exactly 50 Void Essences to the shrine behind the Community Center (yes, even if you didn’t fix it, the shrine is still there), the Old Mariner will appear. He doesn’t want a pendant. He wants your shadow. Say yes. You will become immune to damage in the mines. You will also stop casting a reflection. Worth it.”
Leo’s mouse hovered over the “Print” button. His hands were sweating.
Rule #19: The Mayor’s Secret.
“Lewis isn’t just sleeping with Marnie. He’s the reason the crops fail. Every season, on the 28th, at exactly 1:40 AM, he walks from her house to his. If you hide in the doghouse behind his truck and use a slingshot with a single piece of copper ore, you can knock the ‘lucky purple shorts’ off his person. Do NOT pick them up. Leave them in the dirt. The next day, the traveling cart will sell a ‘Stardrop Herbal’ for 5g. It restores your health to full and permanently raises your luck by 0.05. It also tastes like regret.”
Leo’s stomach turned. But he couldn’t look away. He scrolled faster.
Rule #27: The Wizard’s True Purpose. Rule #31: How to get the ‘Second Golden Clock’ (twice the farm value, half the rendering distance). Rule #44: The ‘Hat Mouse’ is a syndicate front. Here’s how to join.
He reached the final rule. Rule #99.
The Final Harvest.
“You’ve done it. You’ve ignored friendships, optimized profits, and discovered the valley’s true, ugly, beautiful clockwork. Now go to your farmhouse basement. Not the cellar. The basement. There’s a brick on the east wall that doesn’t match. Remove it. Behind it is a USB drive. Labeled ‘Grandpa’s Real Will.’
Plug it in. Run the executable. The game will end. But your real save file will begin.”
Leo stared at the screen. The neon green text flickered. He looked over at his own farmhouse—a messy studio apartment with a dying succulent on the windowsill. He thought about his real job, his real loneliness, his real, aching need for a world that made sense.
He opened Stardew Valley. He did not go to the Community Center. He walked past Pierre’s, ignoring Abigail’s wave. He bought the Joja membership. He gave Clint a fistful of quartz. He waited for the Luau, and when the Old Mariner asked for his shadow, Leo said yes without a second thought.
The game ran smoother after that. Crops grew in perfect, geometric patterns. The mines were a breeze—monsters’ claws passed through him. He never bothered with gifts or festivals. The valley became a machine. A beautiful, humming, optimal machine.
On the 28th of Fall, Year 2, he stood in his farmhouse basement. The brick came loose easily. The USB drive was cold to the touch.
He plugged it in. The executable was called awakening.exe.
His screen went black. Then white. Then a single line of text appeared, in that same neon green Comic Sans:
“Congratulations, Player. You have completed the Xtardew Valley Guide. Your real assignment begins now.”
Leo blinked. The text faded. And in the reflection of his now-dark monitor, he saw nothing at all.
He smiled. For the first time in a long time, he felt like he was finally playing the game correctly.
Working on the farm increases Stress. If Stress hits 100, you pass out at 2 PM. To lower Stress:
You gain XP in five categories. Each level unlocks crafting recipes. Level 5 and 10 offer Professions (specializations).
Tier 1: Early Game
Tier 2: Mid Game
Tier 3: Late Game (The "Artisan" Run)